“Prosperity” of loved ones' is the key to happiness: A Cambridge University Study

A novel research finds that people link their happiness with that of the welfare and prosperity of their loved ones.

Researchers at the University of Cambridge, England found that both men and women consider a contented, settled family life as the key to happiness. Lead researcher, Professor Jaqueline Scott said, “Men and women may view happiness differently, but when you dig deeper and look at the nature of their perceptions, you find that in both cases their well-being is bound up with that of others.”

Details of the study
The researchers conducted the study as part of the British Household Panel Survey wherein they reviewed over 10,300 adults from 5,500 households across England. In the study that went on from 1997 till 2002, the researchers examined what kind of life affected people in what manner. Under the study, the subjects were asked questions like what according to them was essential for a happy and prosperous living that could well secure their quality of life.

Results of the study
On analyzing their responses, the researchers found that more than a third of the subjects chose health, family and finance as sole means of happiness. Researchers elaborated the findings by saying that the responses were gender specific, wherein men cared more about finances and women were more inclined toward their families.

Yet, a more detailed investigation revealed that many subjects linked their own happiness with that of a near one.

Other findings
Furthermore, it was found that health was a major factor central to happiness for about 57 percent females, in contrast to males where the percentage was 50.

On the contrary, 38 percent men gave importance to finance as compared to 33 percent women. It was further noted that family had significance for just 38 percent men against 49 percent women. But analysis discovered that men gave more importance to money, so as to earn a good amount and a happy living for their loved ones.

“Our research suggests that more should be done to support the actions of both men and women in caring for others, because that will have benefits for everybody’s quality of life,” said Scott.

Study collaborators, Dr. Anke Plagnol and Dr. Jane Nolan stated, “Policy-makers should be taking into consideration, by ensuring that provision is made to enable both men and women to spend reasonable amounts of time with their families.”

The study appears in the book Gender Inequalities in the 21st Century.

On 3 Ways We Can Control Our Moods

Depending on where you are with the mood, you can do three things:

Prevention

Prevention is the set of skills that have to do with how you maintain positive momentum and redirect negative momentum. It includes things like: self maintenance (what you do to take care of yourself), knowing high risk situations and warning signs (being able to "see it coming"), and cues (knowing exactly what you do that tells you exactly how you are doing- for ex. on the manic scale an 8 means what?). Finally, it means those plans that you are going to follow once you "see it coming." Prevention means becoming an expert on you with some degree of efficiency and expertise.

Coping

Coping is what you do when you know "its here." It means limiting the damage and beginning the process of positive momentum. A lot of coping is tied up with how you process your experience and the plans you have for support when you can no longer trust the way you process your experience. It means knowing that because something "feels so" does not make it so. It means having a sounding board- whether it is a script or series of statements you do or another person you can trust- that helps to clarify reality when it does not seem so clear. It is trying so hard not to leap and find yourself dealing with consequences of your mood that you really don't want to see happen.

Learning

Learning has to do with how you view the "finished product" and what you learn that you can use next time. It means seeing mistakes and seeing successes. It means viewing your experience not just as a source of deprivation, but also as a possible opportunity to learn more about life.

Author: Therese Borchard in Huffington Post. Ms Borchard also writes her blog, Beyond Blue, on beliefnet.com

Creating A False Self: Learning To Live A Lie

Why Would Someone Create a False Self?

We all, to some extent, cultivate a false self for protection, but most of us are aware of it, we know we're putting on a bit of an act in certain situations. But those whose false self functioning has become compulsive and unconscious are not aware of the mask they wear.

The idea of a false self is to ward off mounting anxiety, to help a family to maintain its denial of problems or to keep the true self safe and often hidden. That's why a child might create one in the first place, to please and placate the family system. The sad outcome however, is that the false self becomes so well constructed and adapted, or garners so much acceptance and sense of place and even power within the family that spawned it and relies on it to maintain their status quo, that eventually the true self becomes lost to us. We hide our true self so effectively that even we can't find it. And the cost of changing the way we function seems just too dear. We not only fear feeling the pain underneath the coping strategy, we may feel our very place within the family might be in jeopardy if we change.

This false self is also sometimes seen as the "idealized self" or the self through which we operate because our true self just somewhere along the line (usually quite young) felt too weak, inadequate or overwhelmed to function and gain approval in the situation in which it finds itself. So we constructed a version of self that was better, stronger and more able to cope well, a self that was less easily wounded, made anxious or devastated.

We may even come to idealize our particular false self adaptation; for example, bullying becomes 'strength' or manipulation and controlling becomes 'cleverness' or even 'compassion'. The false self steps in, when we feel unable to cope, like an actor on a stage and hides our stammering insecurity under a smoke screen of fake strength, or intellectual posturing.

We all need an ability to mask or control our baser emotions so that we don't blurt them out inappropriately where they can get us into trouble. The real danger lies not in creating a mask or false self, we all do that somewhat. The danger lies in mistaking the false or idealized self for the true self. A false self because it is an unconscious defense, can stifle the growth of a conscious, authentic self. It's the false self that strategizes and develops strength, confidence and acceptance. And the true, conscious self gets suffocated and sent into hiding.

How Did This False Self Get Created in the First Place?

Generally we think of family as one place in which we can let our hair down and be ourselves. But what if the family we're in doesn't allow for the expression of each individual's genuine self, if the family demands that we be who it needs or wants us to be to such an extent that we learn to create a false self in order to be accepted and loved? This phenomenon of false self functioning, is often seen in alcoholic families or other types of families that have impossible standards of who and what to be, such as with extreme wealth, religion or even military; it is also associated with pain filled, dysfunctional families. Many of these family types overlap e.g. alcoholism and extreme wealth. Kids who grow up in these families often learn not to express their genuine and spontaneous reactions about what they see going on around them; because if they do, they risk being attacked or put down by those in the family who are invested in maintaining the status quo and denying that problems exist.

Because it isn't safe to be open about what is going on in the emotional atmosphere of the family or for that matter to even feel what is really going inside themselves, these children may learn to live a sort of emotional lie because unconsciously, they fear that letting in the truth will overwhelm them or those they love. Family members silently collude in creating the sort of false sense of normalcy that they feel is lacking in their family. Staying safe and "looking good" become of paramount importance. To this end children and even adults become what will please and protect the system rather than who they really feel like on the inside.

The false self is an adaptive (though actually maladaptive) reaction to a dysfunctional situation. It is largely unconscious, that is the person with the false self would never know that it's false and if you were to challenge them on it, they would see you as the problem, not themselves and they would probably set about analyzing your need to criticize. If you are bold enough to confront, take on or critique a false self behavior....well...look out. The false self is there to hide, ward off or cope with unfelt, unacknowledged pain and when you challenge the behavior, whether it be compulsive talking, joking, chronic cuteness or intellectual superiority, you challenge the pain. The hurt that is hiding gets somehow triggered or touched and anger or retaliation may ensue.

When someone who has become dependent on false self functioning goes into therapy or enters a twelve step program they can go through a period of feeling very vulnerable and shaky because they are removing their coping strategy and exposing the pain underneath it. But over time new emotional habits get created and new ways of healthy coping get practiced and adopted. And this person can become much more comfortable "living in their own skin".

Truth About Lying

From big whoppers to little white lies, almost everyone fibs on occasion. Experts reveal why.

by Jenna Mccarthy

Nearly any one will say that lying is wrong. But when it comes to avoiding trouble, saving face in front of the boss, or sparing someone’s feelings, many people find themselves doing it anyway. In fact, more than 80 percent of women admit to occasionally telling what they consider harmless half-truths, says Susan Shapiro, author of Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie (St. Martin’s Press, $15). And 75 percent admit to lying to loved ones about money in particular. The tendency to tell tales is “a very natural human trait,” explains David L. Smith, Ph.D., associate professor of philosophy at the University of New England, in Biddeford, Maine. “It lets you manipulate the way you want to be seen by others.”

To pinpoint how people stretch the truth from time to time and the potential fallout from it, learn the six most common ways that people mislead. Most lies aren’t meant to be hurtful to others; rather, they’re meant to help the one doing the fibbing. These are the six top ways people lie.

1. Lying to Save Face

What it sounds like: “Gosh, I never got the shower invitation!” “Sorry I’m late, but there was a huge pileup on the freeway.”
Why people do it: For self-preservation. While it may be instinctual, people who frequently cover up innocent errors may start to feel as if they have permission to be irresponsible. What’s more, it can become gruelling for them to keep track of those deceptions. (“Now, why did I tell her I couldn’t cochair that event?”) Eventually those lies hinder people from having close connections, says Smith. “Of course, there are relationships in which it doesn’t matter as much,” he says.
How you can avoid it:

• Think long-term. When you’re tempted to be less than truthful, consider your ultimate goal: to have a happy marriage, say, or a solid friendship. Then, when torn between fact and fiction, ask yourself, “Which will put me closer to my goal?” Usually the choice is clear.
• Keep it simple. Most of the time, a short apology is all that’s needed, and you can omit some details without sacrificing the truth. Something like “Sorry that I didn’t call you back sooner” is usually sufficient and effective.

2. Lying to Shift Blame

What it sounds like: “It’s my boss’s decision, not mine.” “My husband never told me you called.”
Why people do it: “To effectively give away power and control,” says Smith. “When done habitually, this can diminish a person’s ability to deal with life’s bigger problems.” When someone constantly saddles other people with his responsibilities, others can grow resentful of carrying this burden. Also, eternally passing the buck is downright exhausting. The deceiver keeps fielding requests but is only postponing the inevitable. Eventually the issue will have to be dealt with.
How you can avoid it:

• Dig deep. In some cases, blame shifting can signal difficulty with accepting responsibility for your actions, says Joseph S. Weiner, chief of consultation psychiatry at North Shore University Hospital, in Manhasset, New York. Maybe you were criticized for making mistakes as a child, for example, and so now you’re afraid to own up because of what other people may think of you. Once you realize this is a behaviour that can be changed, however, you can start to regain the power you may feel you don’t have.
• Flip it around. Before using a colleague or a loved one as a decoy in a minor deception, think of how the other person would feel in the same scenario. If the deception puts other people in an unfavourable light, it’s best to leave them out of it.

3. Lying to Avoid Confrontation

What it sounds like: “That’s a wonderful idea, Mom. I’ll make sure to get to the airport three hours before my flight.” “You’re doing a great job, but we can’t afford a housekeeper anymore.”
Why people do it: A believable excuse may help someone avoid an uncomfortable talk or keep that person from feeling guilty. But relying on nonconfrontation too often eventually does relationships―both personal and professional―a disservice. With people to whom one is deeply tied, it’s important to remember that “closeness is not always pleasant, and that interpersonal dealings, by their very nature, have highs and lows,” says Smith. “When you try to avoid the lows at all cost, it can have an overall deadening effect on these connections.” Even if the person on the receiving end of a lie isn’t closely tied to the fibber, the one deceiving still has to keep track of―and live by―those lies. What’s more, she may have to deal with the consequences of the lie anyway (for example, if the housekeeper finds out someone else was hired in her place).

How you can avoid it:

• Consider the options. Before you tell a fib, it helps to make a list of all the ways you could handle the situation―from delivering a total fairy tale to telling the stark truth. If, after thinking it through, you still decide a fabrication is the best choice, “it may signal that you don’t value having an honest relationship, and that in itself is worth pondering more,” says Marlene Chism, a relationship expert in Springfield, Missouri, and the author of Success Is a Given (ICARE Publishing, $15, Amazon.com). On the other hand, maybe there is an option that will allow you to tell the truth but that will still provide your desired outcome.
• Pair it with the positive. Look for the bright, true spot buried within the lie. Saying to your mother, “Your ideas are always appreciated―I called that tutor you recommended last week!―but this time I just don’t agree,” makes the truth easier to swallow for both of you.

4. Lying to Get One’s Way

What it sounds like: “I won’t be at work today. I caught that bug that’s going around.” “Officer, my speedometer must be broken.”
Why people do it: For personal gain. But when a lie like this is uncovered, the recipient is unlikely to be charitable. And the more hurtful the lie is to the person on the receiving end, the less it’s likely to be forgiven. “When getting what a person wants drives his every word and action, he will not earn people’s trust or love,” says Weiner.
How you can avoid it:

• Stop justifying. Maybe you think you deserved that day off. Or you figured it was late and there was no one on the road when you were speeding. While both rationalizations may be true, “that doesn’t make the lie any more acceptable in the end,” says Smith. If you have to convince yourself the lie is OK, chances are it’s not.
• Think of the alternative. Consider if honesty could still bring about a positive result. Example: “I know I don’t have any vacation left, but I’d be willing to come in Saturday or stay late every day next week if I could have Friday off.” Or admit to the police officer that you lost your concentration going down the hill and apologize. That may result in a warning instead of a ticket. You never really know until you try.

5. Lying to Be Nice

What it sounds like: “That dress looks fantastic on you.” “This is the best meat loaf I’ve ever tasted.”
Why people do it: In some cases, the little white lie is altruistic, says Smith, but when used excessively, it can make interactions with people less authentic. At its worst, others may feel that a person isn’t being genuine or trustworthy.
How you can avoid it:

• Walk in the other person’s shoes. People often underestimate the information that others can tolerate and even benefit from, particularly when the words are said out of friendship, says Weiner. For example, you would generally want someone to mention it if you had a piece of spinach stuck in your teeth, if your blouse had a stain, or if your pot roast could use a pinch of salt.
• Tone it down. If you feel that a certain amount of truth stretching is a vital social lubricant, the best thing to do is to avoid gushing. “That’s a great colour on you” is a lot more plausible than “That’s the most stunning sweater I have ever seen in my entire life.”
• Track it. Keeping a tally of the tales you tell for a day or a week can help you distinguish between the instances where being truthful matters and where it doesn’t. Maybe you didn’t need to tell the supermarket checkout gal that you loved her (hideous) earrings. But it made you feel better to say it, plus you got a pleasant reaction from her. Most experts say there’s no huge harm in that.

6. Lying to Make Oneself Feel Better

What it sounds like: “Eating my kids’ French fries doesn’t count.” “I’ll charge this stuff now because I’m going to pay off the credit-card bill as soon as I get my bonus.” “I never watch television.”
Why people do it: To reassure themselves. But when people start to believe their self-deceptions, it can snowball, which is especially dangerous. A clean-your-plate habit can lead to an extra 10 pounds. One shopping spree can trigger can’t-pay-the-mortgage debt. And while denying hours spent in front of the TV isn’t a crime, it might cause a person to wonder where all her time is going―or get busted humming the Law & Order theme song.

How you can avoid it:

• Plan honesty ahead. Because self-deception can become almost automatic, “stopping isn’t simply a matter of just saying in the moment, ‘Hey, should I lie to myself right now?’” says Smith. Instead, pledging to face reality in the situations where you’re most likely to deceive yourself is a smarter tactic.
• Keep your goals in sight. Whatever you want to accomplish, from sticking to a healthy diet to keeping your bank account in the black to cutting down on those television marathons, lying about what’s really going on puts you one step farther from that objective. Instead, it’s a good idea to visualize, in full detail, what it will look, feel, sound, smell, or taste like when you attain your goal. “Painting a detailed picture in your mind will help you maintain your motivation, even in the face of temptation to sabotage yourself with deception,” says Weiner.
• Help others be accountable. When people who tend to deceive themselves spend too much time with frequent fibbers or even others who tolerate that type of mendacity, their destructive habits won’t be challenged or corrected. In the most serious situations, where lying is causing someone serious damage, it helps to be a particularly truth-conscious friend and lend support as well as a gentle, watchful eye.